All I really wanted was to be your priority.
You didn’t see it, and perhaps I went about the wrong way of expressing that to you. My insecurities got the best of me when it came to you. I tried throwing other guys in your face to get you to pay attention, to suddenly feel the need to be with me. They were never who I wanted, and I think you knew that. Volatile at best, it was hard to predict if we were friends or enemies, you and I. No one really knew. It’s hard to really understand a relationship like ours from the outside.
We both want to be happy, but together, we wouldn’t allow it. We both wanted exactly what we made impossible for ourselves to have with each other. Why did I feel the NEED to play all those mind games with you? Was it because I felt I had lost all control in our relationship? In the end, what were we running back to? I don’t really know anymore. Perhaps we were running away from our own battles with loneliness that we’d accept the bitter treatment from each other just to have someone sitting across us at the dinner table.
I have many visions for my future. Many bright, hopeful checklists constructed for myself to accomplish someday. What these visions of my future don’t include is wasting my time with someone who makes me feel like I am ultimately alone in this world. I want a man who wants a place right next to me as we face the exciting and frightening journey of life together, hand in hand, bringing out the best in me. I want trust.
We gave it one last shot. It didn’t work. Disappointing, that it was. Sincerest feelings aside, even more disappointing that we wasted even more time figuring out what we knew in the first place: We don’t belong together. Lessons are learned in the most difficult fashions sometimes. Now I know.
I know you’ll find happiness someday, and sometimes it makes me a little sad knowing I will never have a chance to be a part of that again. Our connection is something of the past that obviously can never be relinquished. But it’s finally time to start focusing on the life that matters most to me, which is my own. I don’t want to be afraid to jump. I don’t want to be afraid to get hurt again because I probably will. Pain is inevitable. I want someone who doesn’t make me feel the need to play games just to get his attention.
For what it’s worth, please don’t hate me. I chose to take a new path. This path may or may not be the path I am meant to walk, but the risk involved, I feel, is something that I need to take. I set aside my feelings for so long to try and reinstate a relationship that had no future with you.. it’s about time I dedicate my efforts to one that might. And for that, I am truly sorry. I don’t trust that you are hurt, but if you are, please understand that it was never my intention to inflict pain upon you. The only intention I have is to find a love that is free of jealousy, infidelity, and sadness. My heart cannot bear any more harsh words or resentments.
When you see a picture of me someday in the future, I hope you smile a little and remember the good times we had, even if they were rare. I hope you always hold that special place in your heart for me. I know you will.
5 days ago
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